I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
