Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
