My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
