Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
