Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
