We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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