three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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