youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
