well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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