Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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