dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
