drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
