There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
