u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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