I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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