I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
