My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
