According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
