I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he was CRYING into my vagina
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
