I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize