U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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