I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
