I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
