im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
