Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize