I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
