I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
