whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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