Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
