i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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