I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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