census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I can't turn off my feet"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
