The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
