so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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