my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
