stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
