Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My first STD was from a foam party
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
