i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
