I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
