When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
