we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize