I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
