He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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