i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
