I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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