Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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