First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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