You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
