I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
