Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Randomize
