You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I can't put those talents on a resume
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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