if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Go christen that room with your naked body.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
