The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
