actually, I'm a sock model
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize