Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
