Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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