I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
